JK

    i’m not mad anymore. i can’t be. :)

    • 2 years ago

    getting over Hoe?

    So we had that conversation and everything is cool between us, right? Well, I went to riverside this past weekend and of course we end up drinking. Anyway, I got pretty drunk. I don’t know how bad Hoe was because he’s a fat cow. haha jk. But 1am rolls around and he has to go to bed because he has class in the morning. So he goes into his room and goes to bed while I’m in Mickey’s room talking to Mickey and Dick. Then I get a text from Hoe.

    H: Oh ya btw my beds always open if u want a better placed to sleep…

    K: I….. Don’t get you.

    H: it’s platonic I was just saying if you need a body for warmth I’m here.. but nothing else

    K: Right.. See I don’t know how serious you are … because I’m pretty sure I told you I don’t like sleeping alone.. but idk

    H: I don’t remember that. all I’m saying is I’m a warm body if u need it but nothing else.

    K: ihu. you are too much.

    H: don’t hate me… I cant help that i too like accompaniment while sleeping

    K: ok well I might have to take you on your offer because I really do hate sleeping alone.

    H: But i don’t want to “lead u on” cuz theres nothing between us…

    K: That’s fine I know there isn’t.

    H: But why would u put urself through that

    K: so are you saying I shouldnt? I dont understand

    H: it’s up to u…

    K: What?? you’re very coonfusing. umm i’m saying yes right now but you’re being weird so.. idk

    and then I went into his room to talk to him because this was just too much for me to decipher. keep in mind that I was drunk okay?? so it’s not like anything could have made any sense to me anyway. Well we talk about it for a couple of minutes or so and basically he’s just reiterating what he already said which was that he’s saying I can sleep next to him but he doesn’t mean anything by it. Then he tells me that he really needs to go to bed so I leave because he kinda motions me out of there. But right when I get back into Mickey’s room Joe texts me again.

    H: btw my door is always open if u ever want to…

    K: stop it!! you’re too confusing!!

    H: I’m not trying to be!!!! All I’m saying is that if u don’t like sleeping alone my bed is vacant no strings attached… and ya I like the thought of having someone to be with but it’s more along the lines of just pure company.

    H: I’m going to sleep now goodnight.

    are you guys confused? I was. I still am! I mean, he’s making it “clear” that this doesn’t mean anything… but what happened to helping me out? If this was some fucking test I failed it. Him saying that it doesn’t mean anything doesn’t negate his actions though, you know? Maybe I’m just looking into it too much, but I’m saying that he’s a douche and still leading me on even though he said he’s trying not to. He can’t be like “yeah I don’t like you at all.. but I had a sex dream about you and I want you to sleep next to me, okay?” -__-

    Also, I noticed whenever he accidentally shows ay type of affection towards me he makes up for it by being a complete dbag. So, I slept next to him and he’s all suggling with me while we’re falling asleep but in the morning when we’re sober and waking up he’s all like… you’re taking too much of the bed don’t touch me kid of thing. like dude… you had your arm around me while we were falling asleep… and now you dont want me to touch you?? wtf? anyway, as i drove him to class that morning he revokes his offer and says I can’t sleep next to him anymore because i take up too much room or i move around too much or something. kfine. &then for the rest of the day he was being a major asshole. I felt like he was being unnecessarily mean to me. He was being extra bossy and rude. For example, we were arguing kinda and then I called him stupid. So, he says, “Oh, you wanna go there? I’m not the one who flunked out of college. Yeah, I said it.” I mean… yeah that did happen… but OUCH. You’re really gonna bring that up? 

    So, maybe he is helping me out after all. Maybe he’s being extra douchetard to help me get over him. Aweshome.

    • 2 years ago

    Getting over Hoe

    So, since we’re really good friends and I want to get over him.. I figured that I’d talk to Joe about it and see if he could help me out. So last night I sent him this message:

    alrighty. so i know via text/email/fb message isnt the best way to communicate with someone when its a semi-serious matter but i’m not gonna see you anytime soon and it’s easier this way anyhow. mostly because i do all of my over thinking shiz super late at night and you probably wouldnt be awake so.. yeah. also, as im typing this it’s 5 oclock in the morning and it makes me giggle. anyway i think i started thinking about this when we talked about why i was mad at you and how i should probably tell you all the stuff that you do that makes me mad at you… which turned out to be a pretty long list but i realized that the reason why that is, is because it’s a lot easier to not like you like you if there are a lot of things i dont like about you… does that make sense? (dont worry its really small stuff that i’m just being dumb about) Oh wow this is all probably very confusing because i havent even told you what the topic is. womp womp (english essays are not my forte apparently!) 

    so, I still kind of like you… and i know you don’t like me. it’s really frustrating for me because i really like you as a friend as well and want to be that for you.. just your friend, because thats what you want me to be. but anyway, i’m being weird and hopeful that you’ll change your mind randomly and its really kinda sad. D: basically, i know you dont like me and so i’m trying to get over liking you BUT every once in awhile i feel like you do like me kinda. I think it’s usually when we’re drunk.. so i know that’s not the best time to gauge something like this.. but i can’t help it! i get so happy and hopeful! Anyway, if you do in fact not like me like that, can you help me out??

    basically, i need you to stop being touchy with me. i can deal with your flirty-ness no problem. i know that’s just how you roll. plus it just makes for great entertainment. like i said, i think this all usually happens when we’re drunk, but i need you to not be so touchy feely. like don’t put your hand on my knee, don’t spoon me (even though you conveniently forget in the morning… whatever), just don’t touch me in any way that i might misunderstand, alright? 

    btw im not asking you to change anything really because that would be dumb and it would be weird if you treated me differently. like i said, saying stuff doesnt bother me. I understand you’re just a very flirty boy. got it. no need to change that. I’m just asking that you help me out a little because i’m done with being so… pathetic basically. -_- also i want to just add that i’m really thankful that we’re this close otherwise i wouldnt be able to be so open and honest. awesome. so yeah thats all! hope this doesnt make anything awkward. heh.

    Then today we talked about it and this was what was said:

    Hoe: merr and i’m sorry i flirt whilst drunk its just my thang :\

    Kristela: yeah i know. i just.. am dumb. so you gotta help me out, k?

    Hoe: i cant promise i wont touch you while im drunk HAHA that sounds so naughty

    Kristela: but thats what confuses meeee! well i guess since we’re discussing it its not gonna confuse me anymore. but i get so drunk and hopefull!! idk!!

    Hoe: ok well to be honest the other day when i told you you were in my dream it was definitely a sex dream…

    Kristela: hahah what?? i havent even had one with you in it…

    Hoe: wowwwwww i guess i’m not cool enough :( ahhaa

    Kristela: oh god this is awkward but dont worry about it. because although i have not dreamt about us.. i’ve imagined it. so conscious choice trumps your dream

    Hoe: but subconscous is powerful! lol

    Kristela: Ahaha yeah… well i don’t know what that means. so.. great.

    Hoe: I don’t either :\

    Kristela: Hahaha ok. well cool. Glad we got all that straightened out! heh…

    Which is a lie because it’s still not very straightened out. Hoe can’t promise that he won’t be touchy, but I guess this conversation makes it okay because I know for sure it doesn’t mean anything. BUT he had to tell me he had a sex dream about me… so what does that mean?? 

    Anyway I thought this would be some sort of closure and would help me get over Hoe. I don’t think it will really do anything though. I mean I like that we’ve talked about it just so we both know where we’re coming from, but at the same time I think that just made us closer… and thus it will be even more difficult to try and get over him. womp womp womppppp. oh well. we’ll see!

    • 2 years ago

    part 1

    wow so i haven’t been on this tumblr in awhile. I mean… i know i’ve had a lot of times where i’ve wanted to write something because i’m constantly over thinking and needing to talk about all the stuff that has happened to me or what i’m thinking of, but I think its just been too much effort to actually blog about it. I’ve ended up IMing my friends instead and just talking to people about it that way. well.. i dont think anyone reads this anyway… and i don’t get feedback from this tumblr… so i guess i really dont have to apologize to anyone since no one is missing out on anything. in all honesty i just like having this tumblr to document how i feel and what im thinking at the moment. its difficult to go back and write about something that has already happened because my attitude has changed toward it. i already know the outcome or maybe i know more information so it’s different. i wish i would have posted more often but alas… no use crying over spilled milk. i guess i’ll just sum up what has been going on (which is a lot) so i can get on with posting about my current stuff. i’ll do it in parts because i need to figure out where i left off.. and also i need to remember what has happened and what is worthy enough to be written about. but for my next post… i’ll just briefly explain the history about it so i can post it and then i’ll go back in more detail later in my part2 and part3 etc.

    basically, i like Dick’s roommate, Hoe. he’s funny, flirty, and we totally get along. he found out i liked him and yet he was still flirty with me. it was very confusing because a month or so had gone by and still nothing had happened between us. he knew i liked him so ball was in his court to make a move. nothing. eventually i found out that he’s a dick and kind of lead me on because he didnt like me back and he “is just a flirt.” whatever. it’s upsetting, but alright because we ended up becoming really close friends in the end. anyway fast forward 4 months to now and here i am.. still really close friends with him and still trying to get over him. It’s really hard to not like him when we’re so close and we talk to each other and hang out with each other all the time!! 

    • 2 years ago

    <3

    Korey: I just want you to think about it

    Kristela: weve been through this

    Kristela: -_-

    Kristela: i dont understand why you want me to think about this more. because i do think about it. and i already know that im being a stupid horrible person. 

    Kristela: i’m that girl

    Kristela: that deserves it almost because i choose it, you know?

    Koreyalmost?

    Korey: :\

    Korey: anyway

    Korey: kristela

    Kristela: NO ONE DESERVES IT

    Korey: true no one deserves it

    Korey: but youre asking for it ><

    Kristela: exactly

    Kristela: thats why i deserve it almost

    Kristela: you gets?

    Korey: sigh ><

    Korey: anyway

    Korey: i have work

    Korey: and i need to get up in 4 hours and 30 mins

    Korey: I cant stay up listening to you any longer kristela -_-

    Korey: cause whatever I say means nothing to you -_-

    Korey: except this

    Korey: I <3 you kristela

    Korey: not in the penis in vagina way

    Korey: but in the friend way <3

    Korey: and feel better

    Korey: you’ll get over it soon

    Korey: it’ll just take time

    Korey: okay?

    Kristela: ok

    Kristela: im sorry

    Korey: ?

    Korey: what for

    Kristela: you have to listen to me so much

    Kristela: complaining and shiz

    Korey: I choose to do it -_ -

    Korey: so I ALMOST deserve it

    Korey: haha

    Kristela: so youre asking for it

    Koreyyeah haha

    Korey<3

    Kristela: <3

    Kristela: ok gnight!

    Korey: gnite :)

    I don’t understand why I’ve been so emotional lately. & I really do feel bad for talking about the same things over and over again and “not listening” to what everyone is telling me since I’m sure it’s frustrating on their part as well as mine. I just don’t know how to get over it. This is the only thing that’s really happening to me, so it’s all I think about. Maybe if I had something else going on to preoccupy my mind with I could stop obsessing over this. Unfortunately, that’s not happening.

    Anyway, I just wanted to thank you guys for putting up with me. I really do appreciate it. You guys care about my well being more than I do I think. But really, thank you. I love you guys. It’s embarrassing but I actually teared up and cried (JUST A LITTLE BIT) during that conversation because I was so overwhelmed by the fact that Ken cares about me so much. I’LL GET OVER THIS. If not for me, then for you guys. That way you won’t have to see me suffer and you won’t have to suffer with me when I rant/complain/whine to you all.

    • 3 years ago

    I feel like every guy that I’ve ever been with, or have hooked up with, is always ashamed to say it. At the time or even after we’re through, it’s like no one’s ever happy to have me. Why can’t anybody be proud to be with me? To want to show me off? I just feel worthless and used, and it kills me.

    THIS

    • 3 years ago
    • 117

    maybe

    Maybe I have nothing to worry about. Maybe I’m thinking to highly of myself or not highly enough of him. Maybe he’ll leave me alone and not try anything with me again. Maybe he’ll apologize and treat me like he actually respects me. Maybe we can actually be friends. Just maybe.

    • 3 years ago

    oh no…

    So a couple of people have pointed it out that the first step of getting over someone is to hate them. & I was doing just fine with that. I even wrote a letter to him (but didn’t send it of course) that said:

    Dear Tuberculosis,

    I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You’re the scum between my toes.

    Love,

    Kristela

    Alright, so it might have been based off of something I had heard before (or stolen from Little Rascals, whatever), but it expressed what I felt nonetheless. But after I wrote that letter (not this one. a REAL one.) I kind of… felt bad for a couple of days and then got over it. What I’m saying is I’m not that sad/mad anymore. Which is very bad news because I’m going home in like a week and will see him. If I’m “over it” and not hating him at that moment… gah. I just know I’ll give in again. NOOOOOOO. I need to be angry at him when I see him! D:

    • 3 years ago

    What I want to say to you, Tuberculosis.

    I guess what I’m most upset about is that I gave you my all and you didn’t even appreciate it. I was willing to do anything for you and all I asked in return was an equal “relationship” & fairness. But you couldn’t, or more likely, didn’t want to deliver. Basically, I feel like I’m just not enough for you. I’m not good enough for you. I don’t matter enough for you to care about. I wasn’t asking to be your girlfriend, I was just asking that you treat me respectfully, but I guess that’s just too much to ask from you since I don’t matter enough to you that you care about my feelings and what I want, right? I’m upset because you don’t care about me or “us” enough to make it work. Am I really that easy to replace? Do I really mean nothing to you? From the way you treat me I guess I really don’t matter to you. Sorry I was such a burden and an annoyance. I was a fool to think that I had any positive impact in your life. My bad.

    • 3 years ago

    gah.

    i’m still not over this. i hate him so much. god fucking dammit why does he have to be such a fucking dick?! :( really at this point i think i really am so mad at him that next time i see him i really will not do anything with him. for realsies. i’m so mad and sad right now. i just don’t understand why i fucking care so muchhhhh. i know, i know. he’s a fucking douchebag & he’s using me. got it. & i know, i know, he doesn’t give a fuck about me. but i don’t understand is since i know this, why i can’t just forget about him and move on? fml. someone help meeeee. i just want to not give a fuck about him anymore. & when i go home i can fucking rub it in his face that he doesn’t mean shit to me and that i’m perfectly happy without him in my life at all. gah. friends with benefits doesn’t work if you’re an asshole. btw, you’re not even good in bed. & your penis size is nothing to brag about. kbye.

    • 3 years ago