forgot to talk about it here

    i posted this on my xanga about two weeks ago:

    "basically in the world of happy endings you are penny and i am max…"


    OMFG ARE YOU SERIOUS??? this makes me so incredibly happy. first, i can stop being sad that he’ll never like me because guess what?? HE’S GAY! second, this just brings us 50 billion times closer knowing that i was one of the first people he told and that we have nothing to hide from one another anymore. third, I HAVE A GAY BEST FRIEND. life is complete. :)

    also i’d like to point out that OF COURSE HE’S GAY. i mean, why else would he have not liked me?? haha ok ok i’m kidding. but seriously, i know how to pick them. the fuck was i doing liking a gay guy for half a year?!?!?!?! I feel like i should watch all of will&grace now just so i know what to do and how to deal with this. 

    AHHHHHHHHH i’m so heppy! is that bad?? i mean, i cant hate him anymore and this just makes us better friends. also, i know it must be hard for him lying to everyone so this must be a weight lifted off of his shoulders. well im sure it’ll be hard coming out to everyone. i’m sure not everyone will be as ecstatic as i am about it. he should just know that i’m here for him and it should be fine because he’s still the same person.. only more FABULOUS! yeah yeah yeah! 

    ^_________^

    i know im not supposed to tell anyone.. but i’m so excited!! and its not that im telling you guys his news, its more that im telling you guys about me. haha i have a gay best friend now! i dont like him anymore because he’s gay! it’s awesome.

    before i felt that he was holding back whenever we were sharing personal stuff. like, no matter how close we were getting… it was still off because i felt like he just didnt want to share everything. but if this was what was hindering our friendship from getting to that next level… we’re past it!! and now we’ll be super super super close. :) i’m so excited. ahhh i love it! 

    also i dont feel all depressed and frustrated anymore that he doesnt like me. because he does like me where it counts… just it cant get past that because i dont have a penis. what was frustrating before was that we obviously got along and had fun together and that we liked each other enough to constantly be talking to one another and shiz… but now it makes sense. finally over him. yayyyy! 

    • 2 years ago

    back at home

    i’m glad to be back at home with everyone, i really am. i haven’t had this much fun whilst being sick … ever! but hey! this isn’t my happyfuntime blog so i’ll cut to the chase. I forgot how much i love/hate Patch. i dont think you guys remember him so i’ll refresh your memory. 

    basically, he’s the guy i kinda had a crush on for the time i was back at home for 6 months. apparently it had all started when i was a drunk ho at a party and we were flirting back and forth. then we lost our host and were trying to look for him in various bed rooms. me, being the drunk ho that i am, decided to close the door behind us and exclaim that we were all alone. *hinthint* -____- ughhh how embarrassing! well, that didnt turn out so well because Patch points out that Beau is not in the room and that we should keep looking for him. *sigh* DENIED. at least he did it in a not so direct way so that i didn’t die from embarrassment. whatever. i was drunk.

    anyway, after i tried to rape him that night, we somehow exchanged numbers and were talking to each other. but he was being a very frustrating little boy because i’d invite him to come over and then he’d come up with some excuse to why he can’t and then later he’d say something weird like “i wish i had someone to cuddle right now” and i remember replying that i didnt feel bad for him because he passed that opportunity up since i had just invited him to watch a movie with me at my house. and then he said something like “yeah its my bad i dont know why i did that…” -_____- hmph.

    anyway, we never really hung out even though we always said we would and that was dumb. one night i was fed up with it and he invited me to his house and i actually went. so i we watched anime and hung out and… it was kinda awkward to be honest. he wasnt really talking to me all that much and he kicked me out after an hour because he said his mom was coming home. wtf was that? i think he didnt actually think that i would come over. that and/or he didnt want me to. womp womp womppp.

    so, thats why i hate this boy. he’s just super frustrating and im bitter. we have so much fun when we’re together usually! we could have definitely dated or at least become better friends during the 6 months that i was home… but no. soo…. yeah. awesome! but now that i’m at home and hanging out with all my friends i’m seeing and hanging out with nico again. which is fun. i forgot how funny he was! its just dumb because at our little get togethers he seeks me out and sits and talks with me the whole night. don’t get me wrong, it’s great! it’s just that he’s touchy and he’s flirty and he’s funny and i’m frustrated! obviously, we get along. obviously, we have fun together.

    WHY WERE YOU DUMB AND DIDNT HANG OUT WITH ME FOR THOSE 6 MONTHS? really, if anything we could have at least been better friends. but no -_- ihu. plus, you know i liked you… stop touching me so much. you have a gf now dont you? i’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate you sitting so close to me and shiz. bleh. whatever. 

    • 2 years ago

    JK

    i’m not mad anymore. i can’t be. :)

    • 2 years ago

    getting over Hoe?

    So we had that conversation and everything is cool between us, right? Well, I went to riverside this past weekend and of course we end up drinking. Anyway, I got pretty drunk. I don’t know how bad Hoe was because he’s a fat cow. haha jk. But 1am rolls around and he has to go to bed because he has class in the morning. So he goes into his room and goes to bed while I’m in Mickey’s room talking to Mickey and Dick. Then I get a text from Hoe.

    H: Oh ya btw my beds always open if u want a better placed to sleep…

    K: I….. Don’t get you.

    H: it’s platonic I was just saying if you need a body for warmth I’m here.. but nothing else

    K: Right.. See I don’t know how serious you are … because I’m pretty sure I told you I don’t like sleeping alone.. but idk

    H: I don’t remember that. all I’m saying is I’m a warm body if u need it but nothing else.

    K: ihu. you are too much.

    H: don’t hate me… I cant help that i too like accompaniment while sleeping

    K: ok well I might have to take you on your offer because I really do hate sleeping alone.

    H: But i don’t want to “lead u on” cuz theres nothing between us…

    K: That’s fine I know there isn’t.

    H: But why would u put urself through that

    K: so are you saying I shouldnt? I dont understand

    H: it’s up to u…

    K: What?? you’re very coonfusing. umm i’m saying yes right now but you’re being weird so.. idk

    and then I went into his room to talk to him because this was just too much for me to decipher. keep in mind that I was drunk okay?? so it’s not like anything could have made any sense to me anyway. Well we talk about it for a couple of minutes or so and basically he’s just reiterating what he already said which was that he’s saying I can sleep next to him but he doesn’t mean anything by it. Then he tells me that he really needs to go to bed so I leave because he kinda motions me out of there. But right when I get back into Mickey’s room Joe texts me again.

    H: btw my door is always open if u ever want to…

    K: stop it!! you’re too confusing!!

    H: I’m not trying to be!!!! All I’m saying is that if u don’t like sleeping alone my bed is vacant no strings attached… and ya I like the thought of having someone to be with but it’s more along the lines of just pure company.

    H: I’m going to sleep now goodnight.

    are you guys confused? I was. I still am! I mean, he’s making it “clear” that this doesn’t mean anything… but what happened to helping me out? If this was some fucking test I failed it. Him saying that it doesn’t mean anything doesn’t negate his actions though, you know? Maybe I’m just looking into it too much, but I’m saying that he’s a douche and still leading me on even though he said he’s trying not to. He can’t be like “yeah I don’t like you at all.. but I had a sex dream about you and I want you to sleep next to me, okay?” -__-

    Also, I noticed whenever he accidentally shows ay type of affection towards me he makes up for it by being a complete dbag. So, I slept next to him and he’s all suggling with me while we’re falling asleep but in the morning when we’re sober and waking up he’s all like… you’re taking too much of the bed don’t touch me kid of thing. like dude… you had your arm around me while we were falling asleep… and now you dont want me to touch you?? wtf? anyway, as i drove him to class that morning he revokes his offer and says I can’t sleep next to him anymore because i take up too much room or i move around too much or something. kfine. &then for the rest of the day he was being a major asshole. I felt like he was being unnecessarily mean to me. He was being extra bossy and rude. For example, we were arguing kinda and then I called him stupid. So, he says, “Oh, you wanna go there? I’m not the one who flunked out of college. Yeah, I said it.” I mean… yeah that did happen… but OUCH. You’re really gonna bring that up? 

    So, maybe he is helping me out after all. Maybe he’s being extra douchetard to help me get over him. Aweshome.

    • 2 years ago

    Getting over Hoe

    So, since we’re really good friends and I want to get over him.. I figured that I’d talk to Joe about it and see if he could help me out. So last night I sent him this message:

    alrighty. so i know via text/email/fb message isnt the best way to communicate with someone when its a semi-serious matter but i’m not gonna see you anytime soon and it’s easier this way anyhow. mostly because i do all of my over thinking shiz super late at night and you probably wouldnt be awake so.. yeah. also, as im typing this it’s 5 oclock in the morning and it makes me giggle. anyway i think i started thinking about this when we talked about why i was mad at you and how i should probably tell you all the stuff that you do that makes me mad at you… which turned out to be a pretty long list but i realized that the reason why that is, is because it’s a lot easier to not like you like you if there are a lot of things i dont like about you… does that make sense? (dont worry its really small stuff that i’m just being dumb about) Oh wow this is all probably very confusing because i havent even told you what the topic is. womp womp (english essays are not my forte apparently!) 

    so, I still kind of like you… and i know you don’t like me. it’s really frustrating for me because i really like you as a friend as well and want to be that for you.. just your friend, because thats what you want me to be. but anyway, i’m being weird and hopeful that you’ll change your mind randomly and its really kinda sad. D: basically, i know you dont like me and so i’m trying to get over liking you BUT every once in awhile i feel like you do like me kinda. I think it’s usually when we’re drunk.. so i know that’s not the best time to gauge something like this.. but i can’t help it! i get so happy and hopeful! Anyway, if you do in fact not like me like that, can you help me out??

    basically, i need you to stop being touchy with me. i can deal with your flirty-ness no problem. i know that’s just how you roll. plus it just makes for great entertainment. like i said, i think this all usually happens when we’re drunk, but i need you to not be so touchy feely. like don’t put your hand on my knee, don’t spoon me (even though you conveniently forget in the morning… whatever), just don’t touch me in any way that i might misunderstand, alright? 

    btw im not asking you to change anything really because that would be dumb and it would be weird if you treated me differently. like i said, saying stuff doesnt bother me. I understand you’re just a very flirty boy. got it. no need to change that. I’m just asking that you help me out a little because i’m done with being so… pathetic basically. -_- also i want to just add that i’m really thankful that we’re this close otherwise i wouldnt be able to be so open and honest. awesome. so yeah thats all! hope this doesnt make anything awkward. heh.

    Then today we talked about it and this was what was said:

    Hoe: merr and i’m sorry i flirt whilst drunk its just my thang :\

    Kristela: yeah i know. i just.. am dumb. so you gotta help me out, k?

    Hoe: i cant promise i wont touch you while im drunk HAHA that sounds so naughty

    Kristela: but thats what confuses meeee! well i guess since we’re discussing it its not gonna confuse me anymore. but i get so drunk and hopefull!! idk!!

    Hoe: ok well to be honest the other day when i told you you were in my dream it was definitely a sex dream…

    Kristela: hahah what?? i havent even had one with you in it…

    Hoe: wowwwwww i guess i’m not cool enough :( ahhaa

    Kristela: oh god this is awkward but dont worry about it. because although i have not dreamt about us.. i’ve imagined it. so conscious choice trumps your dream

    Hoe: but subconscous is powerful! lol

    Kristela: Ahaha yeah… well i don’t know what that means. so.. great.

    Hoe: I don’t either :\

    Kristela: Hahaha ok. well cool. Glad we got all that straightened out! heh…

    Which is a lie because it’s still not very straightened out. Hoe can’t promise that he won’t be touchy, but I guess this conversation makes it okay because I know for sure it doesn’t mean anything. BUT he had to tell me he had a sex dream about me… so what does that mean?? 

    Anyway I thought this would be some sort of closure and would help me get over Hoe. I don’t think it will really do anything though. I mean I like that we’ve talked about it just so we both know where we’re coming from, but at the same time I think that just made us closer… and thus it will be even more difficult to try and get over him. womp womp womppppp. oh well. we’ll see!

    • 2 years ago

    part 1

    wow so i haven’t been on this tumblr in awhile. I mean… i know i’ve had a lot of times where i’ve wanted to write something because i’m constantly over thinking and needing to talk about all the stuff that has happened to me or what i’m thinking of, but I think its just been too much effort to actually blog about it. I’ve ended up IMing my friends instead and just talking to people about it that way. well.. i dont think anyone reads this anyway… and i don’t get feedback from this tumblr… so i guess i really dont have to apologize to anyone since no one is missing out on anything. in all honesty i just like having this tumblr to document how i feel and what im thinking at the moment. its difficult to go back and write about something that has already happened because my attitude has changed toward it. i already know the outcome or maybe i know more information so it’s different. i wish i would have posted more often but alas… no use crying over spilled milk. i guess i’ll just sum up what has been going on (which is a lot) so i can get on with posting about my current stuff. i’ll do it in parts because i need to figure out where i left off.. and also i need to remember what has happened and what is worthy enough to be written about. but for my next post… i’ll just briefly explain the history about it so i can post it and then i’ll go back in more detail later in my part2 and part3 etc.

    basically, i like Dick’s roommate, Hoe. he’s funny, flirty, and we totally get along. he found out i liked him and yet he was still flirty with me. it was very confusing because a month or so had gone by and still nothing had happened between us. he knew i liked him so ball was in his court to make a move. nothing. eventually i found out that he’s a dick and kind of lead me on because he didnt like me back and he “is just a flirt.” whatever. it’s upsetting, but alright because we ended up becoming really close friends in the end. anyway fast forward 4 months to now and here i am.. still really close friends with him and still trying to get over him. It’s really hard to not like him when we’re so close and we talk to each other and hang out with each other all the time!! 

    • 2 years ago

    <3

    Korey: I just want you to think about it

    Kristela: weve been through this

    Kristela: -_-

    Kristela: i dont understand why you want me to think about this more. because i do think about it. and i already know that im being a stupid horrible person. 

    Kristela: i’m that girl

    Kristela: that deserves it almost because i choose it, you know?

    Koreyalmost?

    Korey: :\

    Korey: anyway

    Korey: kristela

    Kristela: NO ONE DESERVES IT

    Korey: true no one deserves it

    Korey: but youre asking for it ><

    Kristela: exactly

    Kristela: thats why i deserve it almost

    Kristela: you gets?

    Korey: sigh ><

    Korey: anyway

    Korey: i have work

    Korey: and i need to get up in 4 hours and 30 mins

    Korey: I cant stay up listening to you any longer kristela -_-

    Korey: cause whatever I say means nothing to you -_-

    Korey: except this

    Korey: I <3 you kristela

    Korey: not in the penis in vagina way

    Korey: but in the friend way <3

    Korey: and feel better

    Korey: you’ll get over it soon

    Korey: it’ll just take time

    Korey: okay?

    Kristela: ok

    Kristela: im sorry

    Korey: ?

    Korey: what for

    Kristela: you have to listen to me so much

    Kristela: complaining and shiz

    Korey: I choose to do it -_ -

    Korey: so I ALMOST deserve it

    Korey: haha

    Kristela: so youre asking for it

    Koreyyeah haha

    Korey<3

    Kristela: <3

    Kristela: ok gnight!

    Korey: gnite :)

    I don’t understand why I’ve been so emotional lately. & I really do feel bad for talking about the same things over and over again and “not listening” to what everyone is telling me since I’m sure it’s frustrating on their part as well as mine. I just don’t know how to get over it. This is the only thing that’s really happening to me, so it’s all I think about. Maybe if I had something else going on to preoccupy my mind with I could stop obsessing over this. Unfortunately, that’s not happening.

    Anyway, I just wanted to thank you guys for putting up with me. I really do appreciate it. You guys care about my well being more than I do I think. But really, thank you. I love you guys. It’s embarrassing but I actually teared up and cried (JUST A LITTLE BIT) during that conversation because I was so overwhelmed by the fact that Ken cares about me so much. I’LL GET OVER THIS. If not for me, then for you guys. That way you won’t have to see me suffer and you won’t have to suffer with me when I rant/complain/whine to you all.

    • 3 years ago

    I feel like every guy that I’ve ever been with, or have hooked up with, is always ashamed to say it. At the time or even after we’re through, it’s like no one’s ever happy to have me. Why can’t anybody be proud to be with me? To want to show me off? I just feel worthless and used, and it kills me.

    THIS

    • 3 years ago
    • 117

    maybe

    Maybe I have nothing to worry about. Maybe I’m thinking to highly of myself or not highly enough of him. Maybe he’ll leave me alone and not try anything with me again. Maybe he’ll apologize and treat me like he actually respects me. Maybe we can actually be friends. Just maybe.

    • 3 years ago

    oh no…

    So a couple of people have pointed it out that the first step of getting over someone is to hate them. & I was doing just fine with that. I even wrote a letter to him (but didn’t send it of course) that said:

    Dear Tuberculosis,

    I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You’re the scum between my toes.

    Love,

    Kristela

    Alright, so it might have been based off of something I had heard before (or stolen from Little Rascals, whatever), but it expressed what I felt nonetheless. But after I wrote that letter (not this one. a REAL one.) I kind of… felt bad for a couple of days and then got over it. What I’m saying is I’m not that sad/mad anymore. Which is very bad news because I’m going home in like a week and will see him. If I’m “over it” and not hating him at that moment… gah. I just know I’ll give in again. NOOOOOOO. I need to be angry at him when I see him! D:

    • 3 years ago