- 2 days ago
That’s what I am. I understand that sometimes you want to do your own thing and I really do try to be less clingy. But is it really that hard to fathom why I’d be upset when
•we haven’t had sex in 4 days or so
•I haven’t seen you at all today
•I have to ask you to come home so we can have sex and cuddle
•when you finally do come home you don’t pay any attention to me
•instead of being with me you hang out with my brother and his friends
I’m going to sleep.
- 1 week ago
I’m such a mess.
In response to that conversation we had last night, I’ll list out the times I think of/want sex that occur often since I’ve had time to think about it.
Whenever we’re cuddling and we start making out. whenever we’re cuddling and I start pulling your hair. whenever we’re cuddling and I start grinding on you. so whenever we’re cuddling basically.
Whenever I do that whimper hand motion combo. mostly I just want you to cuddle with me, but as you read above, cuddling makes me want to fuck.
Whenever we (or just I) have to go somewhere and I try my hardest not to get out of bed. That’s not that I am lazy and don’t want to go, but more that I don’t want to leave you/bed and not be able to cuddle/fuck.
Whenever we go to bed. Mainly because that’s the only time you’re not distracted by anything else. You’re not reading on your iPhone, playing games, or watching youtube videos. We cuddle and we talk and that’s it, nothing else. But at this point you’re really tired and cuddling just ends with you falling asleep.
Those are the times I get frustrated and sad. Which as you can see… Is a lot of the time. It’s basically every day…every night. I think night time before we go to bed and you fall asleep on me is the one that’s most bothersome.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you or anything. I know that it is my fault because I could initiate as well, but here’s why I don’t. I don’t know how. You’re always busy reading stuff on your phone or preoccupied with the computer. I know you like to keep up to date with all your links and youtube videos and I don’t like getting in the way of that. So, I typically tough it out and wait til you come to bed so you’re only focused on me/us. Especially since that’s the most ideal time anyway since people are asleep and no one goes into our room anymore. But then even if we cuddle and we start making out (typical precursors to sex!!!) you end up falling asleep anyway. So… Bummer.
Also, on a similar note, I know you keep saying that I’m not needy, but I really am. All I ever want is for you to pay attention to me, to give me your undivided attention. That’s why the times we’re in bed cuddling and talking are the times that I care about most. Because it rarely happens outside of those times since you’re on the phone or you’re on the computer. I know we’re always together but it’s sometimes not enough. I want you to notice me and just me sometimes. I want you engaged in just being and talking with me. Even when we go out to eat and it’s just the two of us you’re on your phone or we both are and we’re sitting in silence. I’m not saying that I want you to wait on me every moment of every day. I realize that you wanna do your own shit. I really do. And that’s why I don’t ever say anything because I KNOW I’m being stupid and crazy. I actually think that this is the main cause of my frustration and that not having sex just fuels this sadness. It’s the lack of emotional intimacy that I care about the most, though the lack of physical intimacy does comes close. (Actually, if we’re not having sex, it doesn’t come at all. *ba dum tss*)
Anyway, I blow it off. I fight off my feelings of extreme neediness, but I still do get sad. But then I make my stupid whimper noises at you and you humor me for a little bit and I feel better. You go back to whatever it is you’re doing and then I eagerly await the next time I’ll get more one-on-one time with you when we go to bed. Then that time comes around and I’m super happy but it lasts not nearly as long enough as I’d like since you fall asleep so quickly (wait wait wait i’m talking about cuddletimez, not sexytime!!) At that point I get sad and lonely again which makes me feel crazy and stupid because WHY AM I SO SAD THAT YOU’RE ASLEEP? -_- I mean really now… Ugh. I need help.
- 3 months ago
Googly bear, I can’t sleep.
It’s about 3 or 4AM and you’re sleeping soundly beside me. I don’t want to wake you because you have work tomorrow and I’ll have more luck talking to you via tumblr than I would talking to you whilst you are semi-awake.
What I’ve been meaning to tell you for awhile now is that I love you. I haven’t had the courage to do so face to face, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to soon. There have been countless times where the timing and the atmosphere would have been perfect, but I’ve chickened out every time.
I guess I’m scared that you’re not quite there yet and that is why you haven’t said it to me yet. Maybe it has to do with your prior relationship. Maybe you said it too soon and regretted it and so now you’re waiting with me so that you don’t make the same mistake. It’s okay if that’s the case because I haven’t said it for similar reasons.
As you know, I am inexperienced when it comes to love. At first, I had been holding off saying “I love you” because I really didn’t know what love was. I was hoping that maybe one day it would just click and I would know. In reality, it didn’t happen like that.
Truthfully, I still don’t know what love is. What I do know, is that I love the way you make me feel. I love spending all of my time with you. It’s been almost 4 months and I still can’t get enough of you. My favorite thing is when we’re cuddling in bed. We’ll talk, we’ll play, and even just gently caress one another without saying a word. All of it just makes me feel so wonderful and wanted. (Just now you woke up, kissed me, and then promptly fell back asleep. ^_^)
You give me compliments and it is still very difficult for me to accept them. I just have never sincerely believed anyone when they would compliment me until you came along and that is why you never hear me say anything afterwards. I appreciate them more than you will ever know. I just will never know how to respond.
You must know how deeply I care for you, right? Well, at least I hope you do. I know that I’m not at all verbal (shocking, I know) when it comes to anything sentimental in fear that it would be overly mushy. I usually end up deflecting those situations with humor. (Why yes I am super serious and mature!)
Anyway, I do try to tell you in other ways. I rub your head and play with your hair as much as I can because I know it makes you feel good. I run my fingers over your chest because I know you like that too. I don’t ask for much (or at least try not to) because I know you worry about not having enough money for the both of us. When I do have money I spend it on the things I think you want but you wouldn’t go buy yourself because it’s too much money.
I basically put your happiness before mine. That’s because, as cliche as it sounds, knowing you’re happy makes me happy. And really, that’s what I think love is. I may not know what love is exactly, but what we have now is the closest thing I’ve ever had to it. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll wake up and I’ll magically know. Or maybe this is it and I’m just over thinking it. In any case, I look forward to figuring it all out with you. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. That is, unless you’re coming with me. :P
- 3 months ago
OKstupid - Tyler
So this guy has been talking to me and invites me out to lunch. I drive out like 30 minutes to meet him at a restaurant near his home. Conversation is kinda awkward and I’m pretty sure he’s not into me and I’m obviously not into him. That’s fine, it’s just lunch and he’s nice enough. Then it comes to pay and I have to pay for my own meal!! D: D: D: Dammit. Now I know I probably shouldn’t assume that guys are just going to pay for my food… but I do. Especially if it’s a date from OKstupid. If you are trying to sleep with me I figure that would be the proper way to go about it.
Anyway, I assumed that it was just because he wasn’t feeling me so he decided that he wasn’t going to pay for me. Who knows? Maybe lunch dates have their own rules? It is just lunch… it’s not really a date.. ok ok fine. OR maybe he’s the modern type of
man guy who doesn’t pay for girls until he knows he actually wants to pursue something with her? ok ok that makes sense too. I should not assume that guys are always going to pay for my food when they invite me out. Bummer! :\ Especially since I drove so far to get to you and you live like down the street? AT LEAST PAY FOR MY FOOD, DAMMIT! Or meet me halfway between so I’m not wasting all that gas. -_-
Lunch ends and he gives me this half-assed hug (I HATE THOSE btw. If you’re going to hug me, fucking hug me. Don’t just kind of touch me. Feels gross, man.) and said “we should do this again sometime.” Really? Even though it was awkward and conversation was strained? Nahhh he was probably just saying that to be polite. Turns out, he meant it. Weird. From our encounter I really thought that he would stop talking to me after that. It was pretty awkward! But he kept initiating text convos with me after that. It’s all very interesting, I really thought he wasn’t interested. Was it just awkward for me then? What?
After talking with him some more he wanted to be upfront and tell me that his last relationship had ended about a month ago on mutual terms. That they are going to stay friends and that he doesn’t know what he’s looking for just yet, but at this moment he can definitely tell me that he can be my friend. “You’re pretty cool in my book. :) [And] if more happens then it happens, but friends for sure!” That’s cool. I just want friendship anyway. I’m not looking for hookups… AND I felt like our lunch meet up was pretty awkward. I wouldn’t want to pursue anything with you anyhow. I told him just that… sans the part where I thought he was awkward and I don’t like him like that. Maybe I should have? Eh, I figured I didn’t have to because I was very clear about just being friends and no hooking up because I am looking for a relationship. So great! We’re on the same page now.
Just friends. Right. So for the past week he’s been inviting me to go out and eat again. I tell him I can’t right now because I’m broke and don’t have money to eat out. So, he drops it and just keeps suggesting to hang out at his place with him instead. Really? You’re not going to offer to pay for me? Ok fine. If you’re not interested in me and we’re JUST friends, that makes sense. Sure. I can come over and watch a movie at your place, I guess. That sounds like a friend like thing to do. Anyway, cut to today. I told him that I was with friends all day and that I’m probably not going to have time to hang out with him. I guess I shouldn’t have been so wishy-washy about it and just straight up told him no. But really, me being out with my friends all day is a valid excuse, so he should just chillax and not wait up for me. We can watch a movie anytime, right??
In any case, here is our convo:
I told him that I’m going to have to pass, and he responded with “Ok. Gnight.”
Am I reading too far into this? To me, it sounds like he’s trying to be a little more than “just friends.” It sounds like he’s focusing on that “If anything happens, it happens” clause that mentioned before, even though I had told him that I am not looking for hookups. It’s 11 o’clock at night, man. I’ve met him in person just the one time beforehand… This doesn’t seem very normal-getting-to-know-you-friendshipwise to me. If I was already good friends with him, sure. If I liked him and wanted to pursue something with him, sure. If I was already dating him, SURE. Then, I wouldn’t mind driving so late at night to spend time with him and just watch a movie/cuddle/nap together. I’m not any of those with him though. Since we’re just friends, and I barely know him, I don’t really feel like it’s worth it to me to awkwardly sit through a movie and then just leave afterwards. Especially since he lives 30 minutes away from me.
All I’m saying is if I’m right and he is actually trying to be a bit more “friendly” towards me than I’d like… He can pay for my fucking food. Is that too much to ask for?
So, what do you guys think? Am I being typical Kristela and over analyzing this? Is this normal friendship behavior or is he trying for a little more than that??
- 8 months ago
I’m sorry that your girlfriend read my blog. I’m sorry that she didn’t like what she read. It’s definitely all my fault. No other party is to blame.
pfft. fuck that.
I understand why you’re mad at me. I really do. And I’m sorry that I’ve caused things to be rocky between you two. I had no intention of that. I was obviously just sad and sorting out my feelings in my blog. I wasn’t deliberately writing shit down hoping that certain people would read it to instigate shit. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO FUCKING READS THIS SHIT. Am I really in the wrong here? AM I?!
I won’t argue with you. If you want to blame me, fine. Just know that I still want to be your friend. I still semi care about you. Not to the extent that I used to, but you were a big part of my life for some time. I can’t ignore that. If I argue with you now, it would be detrimental to our already diminishing friendship. Meh. I really am sorry that things aren’t working out as well as you hoped. I don’t like that you’re mad at me, but there’s nothing I can do. So, for now, I’ll let you be mad and I’ll just leave it at that.
- 8 months ago
my vibrator broke.
I am le sad.
Especially since I’m not fwb with anyone right now and I’m super sexually frustrated. WHAT.THE.FUCK?! I don’t want to spend 60 bucks on one again :\
- 11 months ago
Anyway, let’s see what has happened to me in the last three months. I basically moved in with the Rside crew. So, since then I’ve kinda just been wrapped up with Mickey. See, the thing is, I knew what I was getting into. We were just going to be fwb, I got that. He was already into another girl, Natasha, before I even met him, they were just not going out because timing was bad… by about a couple years (hohoho). So, I understood that Mickey here was never going to fall for me because his heart was set on her. Sex was sex & nothing more. I thought that I could handle that. Turns out I’m weak and full of shit. OF COURSE I fell for him, OF COURSE it hurt knowing that he didn’t want anything more, and OF COURSE it didn’t matter and I kept being hopeful. See, the issue is that Mickey and I are friends too. So, as a friend he cares about me, right? He talks to me and tries to make me feel better. He sees I’m sad and takes time to come find me and talk to me. All the things that a good friend does! So, naturally, I get confused. You see, I’ve never had anything like this happen to me before. All my other fuck buddies weren’t exactly my friends. I mean, I tried my hardest to get them to be… but they were my brother’s friends first, not mine. Anyway, back to Mickey. I got confused because we were fucking and we were friends. He liked me, right? He had to if we considered each other friends. In my mind though, it got tangled up and I couldn’t separate the two. He cared about me. That obviously means he LIKES me. Not just a regular friendship like, but a like like.. a romantic like. Ugh. So stupid. Anyway, it was just super hard for me as you can imagine to know that he was in love with someone that wasn’t me. Especially since we were basically living together. We slept in the same bed every night. Twin sized, mind you, so we obviously had to cuddle and spoon. What made it so hard on me was that I had hope. He liked me. I was so sure. & that little bit of hope was enough for me I guess to endure such torture.
It got even worse for me when Mickey decided that he was going to be celibate since he felt guilty and wanted to be monogamous with Natasha. They still weren’t officially dating at the time though, just as a forewarning before you go judging me. So, there I am sleeping next to Mickey every night, spooning and cuddling and shit… but now we’re not fucking anymore. SUPER FRUSTRATING. It was a lot easier to bare when I at least could be physical with him. It sounds petty (and it is), but fucking Mickey was the only thing I had over Natasha. She couldn’t. She can’t. Not until later… much much later. But now, I don’t even have that & it sucks because Mickey is RIGHT THERE. I was so close, yet so far away. Such a fucking temptation. Anyway, at first when he said he was going to be… I didn’t believe him. I mean, yeah, I would stop instigating, but guys have urges. Is he really going to be able to resist me when I’m right there and willing? Apparently not. Mickey would slip up once every week for about a month. That made me feel a little better because hey, we were still having sex! But it also made me feel like shit because he obviously regretted it every time it happened. He prided himself in his ability to have self control. So it was a double whammy for him. Not only did “stray” but he was also weak. That’s what I assume he was thinking.
Anyway, after I landed a job here in Rside, and I knew I was going to be here permanently, I talked to Mickey.
Kristela: i need to talk to you. i’ve been meaning to for a little while now. but i kinda just didnt want to
Kristela:sooo we could either do it through fb chat where i write you fat paragraphs and you actually read them, instant messenger, or when i get back to riverside one day. just… make sure one of them happens, okay?
Kristela: okay great.
Mickey: tell me nao
Mickey: are you preggers?
Mickey: are you annoyed at my sleeping habits?
Mickey: like do I hog to much of the blanket or torture you with my random grinding?
Mickey: or am I just a dick like everyone else?
Kristela: more of the torturing with the random grinding
Kristela: also you’re not so much of a dick
Kristela: you kinda just ignore me on purpose
Kristela: but anyway are you done asking questions? lol i had shit prepared!
Mickey: okay yea go
Kristela: haha ok
Kristela: basically i feel bad. because im always in your room and stuff. and its your room. also the whole thing about you feeling guilty so you’re trying to be celibate. except that i still sleep next to you and then you like to torture me.
Kristela: so i that doesnt make it easy on me! geezo
Kristela: so i guess i just wanted to know if that was bothering you. because you really can kick me out of your room. i mean, i dont like sleeping on the couch but i dont really have a say in the matter and if you’re trying to be celibate and all that would be the easiest way to fulfill that right? so we’re not tempted and shit
Mickey: I was thinking that earlier after I broke my celibacy spree
Kristela: which time?
Mickey: this morning
Kristela: yeah.. i just feel bad. im trying to respect your wishes and help you out. just that its kinda hard to when you’re right there, yanno. plus i can never read you so its really confusing
Mickey: i know
Mickey: its my fault
Mickey: can we just try again?
Mickey: sleep in the same bed
Mickey: like Ill probably do something
Mickey: so that Im not tempted as much
Mickey: but when I was in a relationship
Mickey: I had the greastest self control
Mickey: and I guess just being single, and you so willing makes its an easy temptation
Kristela: mmm yeah. its a dangerous combination
Kristela: but yeah, just as long as im not a bother
Kristela: i dont want to make it hard for you
Kristela: OR DO I? harharhar IM SO FUNNY
Kristela: but seriously. whatever you’re comfortable with
SEE WHY I WAS SO CONFUSED? I suggested that I sleep on the couch since it would be easier on us both, but he said that I could still sleep in his bed and he’d just alter whatever he was doing before to fix the problem. He basically told me that he wanted me to sleep there right???? Or is that reading into far? :\ In any case, that’s what I believed. So, this further demonstrated in my mind that I had a chance, that Mickey liked me… even if it was just a little bit.. he still liked me liked me. So, there I stayed. I kept sleeping next to him & kept torturing myself. It was like I was dying inside. Unrequited love really does hurt. There’s this… sinking feeling in your heart that you can’t shake. I wonder if Mickey ever realized that this was what was going on inside my head. He never hears about it because he’s the subject… He might have thought I was fine. I’ll never know. Or, I guess he’ll never know how fucked up and sad I was. Oh well. It probably wouldn’t matter to him anyway since I wasn’t Natasha. I wasn’t his priority. But I didn’t know this at the time.
Until one day I did. It took me long enough, but something inside me clicked. I finally understood that it didn’t matter if Mickey ever liked me. It didn’t matter how much he liked me, I’d always loose to Natasha. It’s stupid why I could never fully grasp that. I’m glad it finally did, though. Now, knowing and finally understanding this, I can finally get over Mickey. & I’m almost there. I know I’m not completely there yet because I still get a little sad whenever I hear him talk about Natasha. I’m obviously jealous. I still want to hang out and talk to him and I get happy whenever he decides to give me any attention. I also creep on his facebook and try and get him to text or IM me. but it’s significantly less. I’m getting there guys. It’s a very strange feeling. Apparently Natasha and Mickey are official now. That helps expedite the process of getting over him. We’re not having sex anymore and we haven’t been for a month or so now. I’m totally fine with it. Sure, I’m sexually frustrated, but I don’t want him to cheat on his gf with me. I’d feel horrible!
On that note though, I do have to explain what has been happening in the last week or so. Mickey has been sexually frustrated as well. So much so that it brings me great pleasure. You can see how pained he is and it’s highly amusing. (See? I must be getting over him if I find it fun to torture him.) Basically I’ve been letting him dry hump me while we’re spooning. You can tell he wants to do more but he doesn’t. KUDOS! You do have self control… kinda. I’m also kinda testing him. I want to see how far he will actually go. Last night he started dry humping me again, and it progressed pretty far. He went so far as to take off his pants and underwear, as well as mine. We didn’t have sex, but I would say that dry humping me whilst we’re both naked isn’t the best when you’re in a committed relationship. Mickey realizes this too and so in the morning he apologized for it. He told me that it was completely his fault and it was not appropriate. So, in order to prevent that from happening again. He said that we can’t sleep next to each other anymore. So here I am, at 5 o’clock in the morning on the couch writing a tumblr post. :\ I’m sad because there are only like 4 or 5 days max that we would be sleeping next to each other anymore since he’s graduating and moving back home. He can’t keep it in his pants until then? REALLY? I feel like he could do it. I mean, since I was testing him and seeing how far he would go, I was enabling him. I assume since he kicked me out of his bed, that he would go all the way eventually. :O (win?) But now that I know that, I could definitely help not be a temptation. I would not let him take off my pants. I would not grind on him if he starts dry humping me… I would even move around so he couldn’t! (perhaps) I just don’t want to sleep alone especially on the couch. :( *sigh*
- 11 months ago
I’ve decided that I probably should have code names for people instead of actually writing their real names in my posts. So I’ve edited them all… which took forever. but it was fun coming up with names! i dont know if the connections will make any sense to you guys since my mind works in mysterious ways. anyway, i hope i edited all the names and didnt miss any.. i probably did though since i wrote A LOT. D: sowwy!
- 11 months ago
So Mikey never responded to that message I sent him. I mean, we’re talking to each other and doing just fine. I’m sure he read it since he randomly referenced something from it last time I was in rside. I was just kinda sad and freaking out. Guess guys just don’t find it necessary to respond to shit like that??? Whatever. Anyway, we’ve been really good. REALLY good. Great even. We’ve been having a lot of sex and talking and and hanging out with each other. I left rside this time feeling super happy. So happy that I felt like I wanted to treat Mickey. I was thinking along the lines of dress up or fulfilling some sexual fantasy of his. Sexy school girl? Sexy librarian? Lingerie? All he had to do was name it! Alas… I am a fool. Anyway here’s our conversation:
Kristela: well in any case that will be fun.
Kristela: speaking of fun
Kristela: what do you say we make things interesting
Kristela: idk. you dont have anything in mind? like any fantasies that need to be fulfilled? want me to dress as anything? no? i could just get lingerie. unless you dont care… we can just do what we already do. just thought we could shake things up, yanno?Mickey: haha well to be honest Id have to decline
Mickey: or at least take it slow
Mickey: the aforementioned stuff is things I usually attritubte to monogamous relationships
Mickey: but its not completely out of the picture
Mickey: its just I have a thing for an underage girl and if we started doing stuff like that
Mickey: Id feel like I was cheating on her
Mickey: if that makes sense
Kristela: not really
Kristela: but whatever you say.
Mickey: i must sound like a freak
Kristela: haha i guess i dont understand how its cheating
Mickey: its not
Mickey: but Ive done that with my Ex
Mickey: like fantasies and lingerie
Mickey: to me
Mickey: only people in a monogamous relationship do stuff like that
Mickey: and no offense to you
Mickey: but I have more romantic feelings for my minor than for you
Kristela: lol i know you do
Kristela: dont worry about it
Mickey: I mean
Mickey: I dont mind using some toys
Mickey: your flashlight
Kristela: that flashlight is weak.
Kristela: so no
Mickey: but dress up and stuff Id feel bad
Mickey: all though
Mickey: after all the years of port
Mickey: I would like to try oral where youre on your knees
Kristela: well that i can do
Kristela: but yes. i understand enough what you feel. you see, i havent hada relationship yet… so its all just sex to me. like the dressing up and fantasies and whatever is just me trying to please my partner. you gets? i aim to please. but if you feel thats too relationship-y then thats fine. i’ll just save that for whoever else
Mickey: haha sorrry
Mickey: does that mean you already have sutfF?
Kristela: define stuff?
Mickey: I know you dont like being on top
Mickey: I have a thing for skirts
Mickey: any size really
Kristela: lol umm.. ehhh… i kinda have some. but i’d buy new ones because they’re not as risque as id like them to be.
Kristela: and skirts, eh? hahah
Kristela: well you know i have a ton of them
Mickey: saw it in a movie once
Mickey: but its more of a …
Mickey: like inside secret thing?
Mickey: Like if Im wearing pants and you were wearing askirt
Mickey: we could go have a quickie with my fly down and up your skirt
Mickey: ya know
Kristela: mmm gotcha
Mickey: and if anything
Mickey: people would come in thinking you were just sitting on my lap making out
Kristela: ok i can picture it now
Mickey: uhh zactly
Kristela: lol mkayyy well… im just saying that if we were just going to go along the way we were… that wouldnt have ever happened since we only fuck once we’ve gone to bed
Mickey: where else?
Mickey: I mean seriously no offense
Mickey: you are a fantastic sex partner
Mickey: but personally Im only more risque with a girlfrined
Mickey: like sex at a friends place
Mickey: or in a public bathroom
Mickey: when its a friend with benefits Im just like
Mickey: and take sex when theres no chance at interuptions
Kristela: lol i was just saying that we’re already in our jammies. ahah that was all
Kristela: though i would not mind having sex in public
Kristela: but whatever. thats fine.
Mickey: haha I know you wouldnt
Kristela: yeah yeah
Kristela: my future boyfriend will be so lucky
Kristela: that is all.
Kristela: but i wasnt trying to hint at anything. i was just saying we’re already in our pjs when we go to bed. so if you want your whole pants skirt thing its kinda got to be planned… or really spontaneous. ya gets?
Mickey: well if we were ever alone and you were in your skirt then I would intiate
Mickey: but Ive only seen you in a skirt once
Mickey: and you were out with nick that day
Kristela: you… are such a liar! im ALWAYS in a skirt…
Kristela: though last time i was over i did bring shorts. but that was the first time! and i know that because these shorts are new.
Mickey: did Joe tell you I was gaming with a girl
Kristela: all he told me was that you dont like rompers
Mickey: I dont
Mickey: DONT DO IT
Kristela: BUT I LOVE ROMPERS
Kristela: I WILL WEAR THEM ALL THE TIME
- 1 year ago